Loss
by Spelllesswonder29
Summary: One Shot. Deans thoughts after John dies. Just a drabble on what I think was going through his head. R/R!


**Ok so this just came to me while I was feeding my dogs. Don't ask. I hope you like this!!! its just drabble. If you do like it then go over and check out some of my other stories!!! REVIEW!!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!!!

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How do you deal with the loss of a parent? I don't mean a parent that you're too young to remember or that you didn't know very well. I mean a parent that was so much a part of you life, your very being, that you feel as if an integral part of your soul has died with them. How do you move on and pick up the pieces of yourself when you didn't even really know who you are? How do you fix your life when it revolved so much around a person who will never step foot on this earth again?

This impossible task becomes phenomenally harder when you have a geeky younger brother who is going through the same thing for so many different reasons. Sam thinks I don't understand how he is feeling; That I don't know or I can't understand it from his perspective. But he is wrong. I know he is beating himself up because he only ever gave our father hell for his bad qualities instead of appreciating his good ones. The truth is that Sam, for some reason, refuses to see that Dad was never disappointed in him for leaving and finding his own life for his self. Dad was so proud of Sam that I was sometimes so jealous I just knew my skin would turn green. I wasn't jealous of the attention from Dad, but the fact that Sam had found his own identity out in the world while I was just a boring carbon copy of my father. What Sam couldn't do was understand the situation from my perspective.

I spent my whole life molding myself after my father. I wore his clothes, listened to his music and inherited his obsessions. Was there even one part of me that was exclusively Dean Winchester? Did I have a single aspect of myself that wasn't stolen from my father? I couldn't think of anything at the moment and it was likely that I would never be able to. From the moment Dad started dragging us around and hunting with him I slowly became a mini-John Winchester. A clone soldier to take after him and follow his orders. And boy did I follow them. There was nothing he could tell me to do that I wouldn't. I'd killed for him and done things that would land me in any state prison for the rest of my life, all for my father.

How do you fill the hole in your life that was left by someone so influential in who you've become? Some people crawl in bed and don't emerge for weeks while others turn to substance abuse. Some revert to violence and some just break down; they sit in a dark corner of their mind and cry the blood of the person they've lost until they are drowning in it with no hope of escape. I'd experiences a little of all of those to some degree and none of them helped. In the end you feel worse and sometimes have a mess to clean up. The hopelessness was creeping upon me again. Like this deep black chasm was swelling up around me, threatening to end my sanity the way my father's life had so abruptly ended.

The only thing I could think of to distract myself from my pain was getting the son of a bitch demon who was slowly tearing my family apart. My vengeance was my fuel and it could keep me going for months.

So I would put on a brave face for my little brother who would never know just how much I needed him. I would be the strong big brother again. After all I'd always been good at playing that part. All the times when I was worried sick in those seedy motel rooms. Worried that Dad wouldn't come back from his hunt. I would just say everything was OK and pour Sam another bowl of Lucky Charms and that would be that.

But I couldn't do that now. Sam wasn't a little kid anymore and he didn't back down so easily. He was extremely persistent no matter how much I assured him that I was dealing and what scared me was that he was reading me like a book he was studying for a test. What scared me was that I wasn't dealing the way I said I was and I wasn't sure where to even start.

My name is Dean Winchester. My father just died, and I don't know how to cope with it. After all, how do you deal with the loss of a parent?

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_**A/N: DON'T FORGET TO HIT THAT LITTLE SPEECH BUBBLE AND REVIEW AND CHECK OUT MY OTHER STUFF!!!**_


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